SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE COPYRIGHTED THIS

THINGS TO PONDER:

If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
How do you know when it’s time to tune bagpipes?
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
Why is it called “after dark” when it’s really “after light?”
What is the speed of dark?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic?”
What’s another word for “Thesaurus?”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
What would happen if you called the Psychic Hotline and didn’t say anything?
Is it redundant for a Jewish man to put a yarmulke on a toupee?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, how can you quit while you’re ahead?
Lemon juice contains “artificial flavors.” Dishwashing liquid is made “with the juice of real lemons.” Why?
Why is it that whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a Pawn Shop?
Why is “verb” a noun?
Why is one 4-year old’s voice louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant?
Why does your nose run while your feet smell?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they’re stuck together?
Why is it called a “building?” (Shouldn’t it be a “built?”)
Why does quicksand take you down slowly?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why do people play at a recital and recite at a play?
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
How can a house burn up as it burns down?
How come you fill in a form by filling it out?
Why does an alarm clock go off when it goes on?
Why is it called a “TV set” when you only get one?
Why do they mean the same thing: “quite a few” and “quite a lot?” “Fat chance” and “slim chance?”
Why do they mean the opposite: “a wise man” and “a wise guy?”
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why is it that when you’re driving house-to-house looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
If you play a blank cassette tape at full blast, will the mime next door go nuts? If he does and then gets arrested, do the cops have to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that, as you feed baby food to an infant, you open your mouth with every spoonful?
If your appetizer is antipasta and your entree is pasta, will you be hungry after the meal?
Popcorn kernels always wind up at the bottom of the bowl. So why don’t raisins drop to the bottom of a box of Raisin Bran?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?
Hawaii has three Interstate Highways. Why?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a book about Failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If you accidentally cut someone off in a parking lot, why do you mouth “I’m sorry” and not say it out loud?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Shouldn’t it be called a “cold” water heater?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do Roman paramedics refer to “IV’s” as “4’s?”
Why do people say “It’s always in the last place you look?” Of course it is. Who would keep looking after he found it?
How can something be “New & Improved?” It can’t possibly be both!
What’s the difference between “a free gift” and “a gift?”
Why are builders reluctant to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't reluctant to have a Chapter 11?
How come you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How can someone “draw a blank?”
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How can there be self-help groups?
Did you realize that half of the people you know are below average?
Do you feel bad that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name?
If someone marketed Corduroy pillows, would it make headlines?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If mothers in this country feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does no one ever say "It's only a game" when their team is winning?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you sat in your front seat of your car with sunglasses on and pointed a hair dryer at passing cars, would they slow down?
If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to see it, do the oher trees make fun of it?
If a husband gives his opinion in the forest and his wife is not around to hear him, is he still wrong?
The shortest sentence is “I am.” Is “I do” the longest?
Is it wrong to go to a McDonalds drive-thru window and absolutely insist and demand that your order is “to go?”
If you’re driving and someone in the passenger seat sneezes, you don’t say a word but just turn your windshield wipers on for a few swipes, will your passenger think you’ve lost it?
Do you have too much time on your hands? Go buy something will ya?