Take-It-From-ME

LINKS, LINX & MORE LYNX. Remember To Return To Me! Back Button. PLEASE!!!

2006-12-30T14:40:00.000-08:00

GETTING FROM HERE TO THERE TO HERE AGAIN.

I went on Google and popped links into their Search Box. Up came 1,660,000,000 (dare I say it...) links to links. I had to stare at that for a moment. I guess we're all used to seeing link numbers in the millions on Google. But this is the first time that I had run across a number in the BILLIONS! How'd you like to be sitting there at 847,210,963 waiting for web traffic? I'd much rather sell Chocka Ca-Ca and be in the Top 10!

Anyway, I titled my page GRATE LINX! for the simple reason that, well, I got you to click on it, didn't !?

"Attention, please. Your attention, please." Everybody wants my attention. TV and radio ads are almost passé. These days, an impolite billboard at eye-level at the Men's Room urinal is what's noticed. Captive audience. No escape. For six-pack money, college kids put temporary tattoos on their bald heads for a week, advertising one product or another. Everybody's always looking for an ATTENTION GRABBER. Whatever works! Links work. (Obviously, right?)

With a bit of delving into the 1,660,000,000 I'll undoubtedly come up with quite a few more creative, interesting and/or helpful links soon. Every time I do, I'll pop it on. Of course, I don't want you to leave Take-It-From-Us.com prior to doing your share to put my kids through college. Buy. Spend. It's what keeps America rolling! (I thank you in advance. My wife thanks you in advance.) But after your carefree trek beyond Add To Shopping Cart, click on a few grate linx.

Confession time. Full disclosure: Take-It-From-Us.com joined an affiliate program. So, if your "interest is sparked," we get paid a few bucks on several of the links. Hey, if you have a website, you can do it, too! (Just couldn't resist clicking on that one, huh?) The links we posted are worthy of consideration. Who knows? Lots of people click. One or two could be perfect for you personally, or for your business.

Tech Support

d00db0x

Final thought: Here's the downside. It should have taken you about 90 seconds to read this. But, if you clicked, it could have been 9 minutes. Or 90 minutes. Or--you linked and left...and I lost you entirely. "HEY! ANYBODY STILL OUT THERE?"

Links. For fun and profit. Just remember to come back!

THERE'S A MARKET FOR EVERYTHING! (Part 1) The Mind of the Man Who Created "CHOCKA CA-CA!"

2006-12-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

"He sold s*** for a living." Will that be on my tombstone? Hope so! (Willie Loman would be so proud.)

Willie Loman, the tragic hero of Arthur Miller's "Death Of A Salesman" was the type of fellow who, in his heyday, could sell air conditioners to the Eskimos. People will buy anything. It's true. (Thank goodness.)

Women have a hard time understanding the following ordeal.
When I've told the story to guys, THEY invariably nod their heads. Naturally! They can relate to this:

Marlene and I are the parents of three. Our youngest is now 20. But, when she was an infant, I should have bought stock in Pampers. Kerry needed to be "tended to" about ten times a day! Having been through it twice before, I didn't have too many issues with changing the wet diapers. But those dirty diapers. Oh my. OOOhhh my. The aroma was not Chanel #5. I love my children dearly but, pressed into emergency service that afternoon because my wife was "out with the girls," the inevitable occurred. Did I really love my daughter THAT much? I was no match for a poopy diaper. I knew it. I admit it. Knowing that the kid needed a change, I looked at the clock and tried to calculate how much time would have to pass before I might be charged with child endangerment for allowing my daughter to wallow in her previous night's dinner. A gentleman much stronger than I might say 15-20 minutes. I figured about 6-8 hours should do it. (Certainly my wife would have returned by then!) The kid didn't mind. She was just cooing and babbling away, content to converse with Raggedy Ann while imprisoned in her crib. But, alas, the aroma (a much nicer word than stench) wafted from her room into mine. (Where did Marlene keep that Lysol spray?) Hating to give up on Laura Petrie during a "Dick Van Dyke Show" rerun, I knew I had to conquer my fear and face the music. (Which, I believe was "Baa Baa Black Sheep" on this little crib music thing she had. Oh, how I hated that song. To this day, when I hear it, I get the dry heaves.) Putting Kerry on the changing table, she laughed at me. She knew how she was tormenting me. I pinched my nostrils shut and took a deep breath. I didn't let it out. I knew that if I had to inhale again I might upchuck on my child. (I realize how ridiculous this all sounds, but I was powerless. I COULDN'T HELP IT!) I'm not proud of my squeamishness, you understand. It's just the way it was. Poop was victorious. I was a beaten man. Doo-doo 1, Da-da 0. I didn't care. I couldn't breathe. The kid was giggling. I needed my wife. I needed Laura Petrie. I ripped open the two sticky fasteners on that stinking diaper (in the most literal sense of the phrase). I grabbed a moist wipe. Then I saw it. Oh no. No-o-o, no, no, nonononono!! Why me? Why ME? (I knew why. It was because I shoplifted a Fifth Avenue Candy Bar from Waise's Delicatessen when I was about 7 years old and I was finally being punished. But, I'm sorry, this punishment was far worse than my crime. I could have stolen a CAR and this punishment was worse.) It was a L-O-O-S-E one! That apple juice always made ’em loose. I hated my wife. I hated my wife's friends. I hated Motts. And Gerbers too, since I knew they had something to do with it. "It" was shmushed all over the place. With a clothes pin on my nose, it still would have stunk. (Where did Marlene keep that old scuba diving mask with the breathing tube? I needed to know--for future reference.) I'm an adult. I can think fast. I immediately recognized that this was no one-wipe job. Still holding my breath, I had to make a decision. Fast. So I did. I decided to flee. What option did I have? I yelled at Kerry "Don't move!" fearful that she'd roll off of the changing table as I raced into the other room for a breath of fresh air. Move? Heck, she was enjoying all of this. I exhaled. Out with the bad, in with the good. It was like breathing diamonds. Filling my lungs to capacity, I ventured back into that pastel purgatory. I flung the muddy diaper into the trash. (Where did Marlene keep those extra-thick Playtex Gloves?) Holding the wet wipes gingerly, while holding my breath too, it was swipe--toss into trash can, swipe--toss into trash can. OK, maybe her bottom wasn’t pristine, but it was good enough. A very, very heavy dose of baby powder, and I was out of the room again for more diamonds. The worst was over. No, I didn't deserve a medal. Look, I'd been through it before with Michael and Randy. (I've got amnesia on the precise number of diaper changes with Kerry's older sibs but, surely, it was at least a couple of times with each kid.) Hey, I know it's part of the parent-baby deal. And I had completed my fatherly duty. Now as long as Kerry had completed her doody, I'd make it through the afternoon. I maneuvered a lovely white diaper onto her caboose and warned this 11-month old Little Stinker, in my most loving yet stern tones (so she'd know I meant it), not to ever, EVER do that again. Unless Mommy was home.

That night, I dreamt up CHOCKA CA-CA!

THERE'S A MARKET FOR EVERYTHING! (Part 2) This is what killed Willed Loman.

2006-12-30T14:37:00.000-08:00

Once again, our thoughts drift to Willie Loman, tragic hero of Arthur Miller's play "Death Of A Salesman."
Little known fact: He was told that THIS was the new line he had to carry.
Ladies and Gentlemen, that's what killed him!

THE BIRTH OF "F4GREEN." And my wife's naughty Vanity Plates.

2006-12-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

The parent company of Take-It-From-Us.com is Evergreen Marketing. As computer illiterates back in 1988, we eventually took the leap into the vast unknown...the internet. By the time we applied, "evergreen.com" was already taken. So was "evergreenmarketing.com" If I remember correctly, "evergreenmarketingincorporated.com" was available but, obviously, way too unwieldy. Heck, "antidisestablishmentarianism.com" would have been shorter!

Hence, the birth of f4green. Say it fast, and there we are!

I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles and got F4GREEN Vanity Plates for my wife's car. (Gotta change colors. Mind if I work a little blue here? This is somewhere between PG-13 and R.) An acquaintance actually chastised me for letting my wife drive around town with those plates. I asked him what he was talking about. He wanted to know if I called it the "Pimp Mobile" when I was behind the wheel. HUH??!! He then proceeded to ask me if my wife was a hooker!! WHAT!? Apparently she is, he said. When she's driving, she's advertising that she will "F for green!" By the way, it was a minivan. Perfect.

I couldn't have made that up if I tried.

I haven't the faintest idea who this fellow Erol is/was. Over the years, erols.com mutated into starpower.com and then rcn.com. But I just kept my old buddy Erol. And will continue to (too many business cards printed). As long as he doesn't ride around town with my wife.

OK. Ready for a contest? The Vanity Plates on my car read "2K US" ...Any ideas? Hint: My acquaintance would guess "To Cuss." His mind remains in the gutter. He would have guessed wrong. Use CONTACT US. Come up with the right answer and I'll mail you one of our products. It won't be a Glo-Ball. But something's better than nothing!

SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE COPYRIGHTED THIS

2006-12-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

THINGS TO PONDER:

If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
How do you know when it’s time to tune bagpipes?
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
Why is it called “after dark” when it’s really “after light?”
What is the speed of dark?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic?”
What’s another word for “Thesaurus?”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
What would happen if you called the Psychic Hotline and didn’t say anything?
Is it redundant for a Jewish man to put a yarmulke on a toupee?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, how can you quit while you’re ahead?
Lemon juice contains “artificial flavors.” Dishwashing liquid is made “with the juice of real lemons.” Why?
Why is it that whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a Pawn Shop?
Why is “verb” a noun?
Why is one 4-year old’s voice louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant?
Why does your nose run while your feet smell?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they’re stuck together?
Why is it called a “building?” (Shouldn’t it be a “built?”)
Why does quicksand take you down slowly?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why do people play at a recital and recite at a play?
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
How can a house burn up as it burns down?
How come you fill in a form by filling it out?
Why does an alarm clock go off when it goes on?
Why is it called a “TV set” when you only get one?
Why do they mean the same thing: “quite a few” and “quite a lot?” “Fat chance” and “slim chance?”
Why do they mean the opposite: “a wise man” and “a wise guy?”
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why is it that when you’re driving house-to-house looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
If you play a blank cassette tape at full blast, will the mime next door go nuts? If he does and then gets arrested, do the cops have to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that, as you feed baby food to an infant, you open your mouth with every spoonful?
If your appetizer is antipasta and your entree is pasta, will you be hungry after the meal?
Popcorn kernels always wind up at the bottom of the bowl. So why don’t raisins drop to the bottom of a box of Raisin Bran?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?
Hawaii has three Interstate Highways. Why?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a book about Failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If you accidentally cut someone off in a parking lot, why do you mouth “I’m sorry” and not say it out loud?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Shouldn’t it be called a “cold” water heater?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do Roman paramedics refer to “IV’s” as “4’s?”
Why do people say “It’s always in the last place you look?” Of course it is. Who would keep looking after he found it?
How can something be “New & Improved?” It can’t possibly be both!
What’s the difference between “a free gift” and “a gift?”
Why are builders reluctant to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't reluctant to have a Chapter 11?
How come you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How can someone “draw a blank?”
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How can there be self-help groups?
Did you realize that half of the people you know are below average?
Do you feel bad that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name?
If someone marketed Corduroy pillows, would it make headlines?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If mothers in this country feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does no one ever say "It's only a game" when their team is winning?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you sat in your front seat of your car with sunglasses on and pointed a hair dryer at passing cars, would they slow down?
If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to see it, do the oher trees make fun of it?
If a husband gives his opinion in the forest and his wife is not around to hear him, is he still wrong?
The shortest sentence is “I am.” Is “I do” the longest?
Is it wrong to go to a McDonalds drive-thru window and absolutely insist and demand that your order is “to go?”
If you’re driving and someone in the passenger seat sneezes, you don’t say a word but just turn your windshield wipers on for a few swipes, will your passenger think you’ve lost it?
Do you have too much time on your hands? Go buy something will ya?

SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE COPYRIGHTED THIS, TWO

2006-12-30T14:32:00.002-08:00

I'm SO glad I'm not a kid these days!

THINK ABOUT IT...Those of us who grew up is the 60’s probably shouldn’t have survived:

Our cribs were covered with lead-based paint which we chewed and licked.
We had no childproof caps on medicine bottles.
Cabinets had no latches since it was fine to play with pots and pans.
When we rode our bikes, we didn't wear helmets, just flip flops.
Our parents drove us around unbelted, in the front seat with no air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We ate plenty of junk food, but we weren’t overweight because we played outdoors.
We would stay outside until after the sun set and it became impossible to see the ball.
No one could reach us all afternoon. And no one minded.
We had no cel phones, cable TV, Playstations, X-Boxes, video games, Internet chat rooms, surround sound, personal laptop computers or The Mall. We had friends.
We shared a Coke with four friends from one green glass bottle. And no one died. (Some may have gotten cooties, though.)
We played Cops & Robbers with toy guns and Cowboys & Indians with toy rifles.
Our cigarette choices were (1)bubble gum, (2)white candy stick with red tip or (3)chocolate.
Halloween candy wasn’t X-Rayed.
If we fell out of a tree,got cut and broke a tooth or bone, no parent sued. These were accidents.
We walked to friend’s houses. We weren’t driven.

And:

I had friends. Flesh and blood. Not internet chat buddies.
When I watched TV, "Bonanza" (with the Cartrights out on the Ponderosa) was one of the very few shows "brought to you in Living Color...on NBC." I waited all week to see that peacock on Sunday nights.
I would never DREAM of keeping a baseball card pack sealed, saving it for posterity. My buddies and I played Topsies or Farsies with our (Mickey Mantle rookie?) baseball cards.
The best bubble gum in the world was the stale slab that came with every pack of cards. Other than that, you were either a Double Bubble guy or a Bazooka guy. The comics made the difference. (Chicklets were for your parents or an emergency only.)
You were either a Betty guy or a Veronica guy. Same with Ginger or Mary Anne. There were no in-betweens and these were life's major issues. Sides were taken during recess while we played Dodge Ball or hung from a Jungle Gym (before that game and other playground equipment such as "see-saws" were removed from schools due to fear of parental lawsuits.)
Life's only other major issue: I was grateful that my teacher had us all practice ducking under our desks with our hands covering our heads. We knew then, that we'd be safe from The Bomb in case the Russians attacked.
The Good Humor Man came to us every summer afternoon in his truck, ringing those bells and spoiling dinner. A Popsicle was a nickel. A Fudgesicle was a dime. And a (very special treat) Choco-Chip Eclaire was a quarter.
Jack Purcells, not Keds, were the cool tennis shoes.
I proudly wore my Madras shirts--"Guaranteed To Bleed" (with the Monkey Loops on the back). And, even though my Monkey Loops were intentionally ripped off by the class bully...somehow I made it! And so did YOU!

But, as tough as we were, how did we EVER survive before the remote control?

WHO THINKS UP THIS STUFF?

2006-12-30T14:32:00.001-08:00

Rearrange the letters in OSAMA BIN LADEN.
You get A DAMN ALIEN S.O.B.

Remember it. Impress your friends!

THE FUNNIEST TOAST I EVER HEARD. A Comforting Thought For The Sinful.

2006-12-30T14:30:00.000-08:00

In 2002, I had occasion to be at a "Scotch vs. Bourbon tasting" with Booker Noe, who operated the Small Batch Bourbon Collection (higher-end bourbons such as Baker's, Basil Hayden's, Booker's and Knob Creek). This jolly and rotund fellow was also the grandson of Jim Beam. He invited all the guests to raise a glass and bellowed out:
"May there be no hell!"

That one had us all laughing. Short, sweet and to the point. Booker passed away in 2004. I suppose that, one way or another, he knows.